New Police Commissioner Promises to Solve Crime by 2026, If He Can Find a Parking Spot First

Port of Spain, Trinidad — In a move hailed as “groundbreaking” by Parliament and “just in time for mango season” by local doubles vendors, Alvin Guavajam has officially been sworn in as Trinidad and Tobago’s new Commissioner of Police. The ceremony was delayed by 45 minutes as Guavajam circled Port of Spain looking for a parking space “not already reserved for the last three Commissioners.”

Guavajam, who was appointed after an intense selection process involving a game of musical chairs and a doubles-eating contest, addressed the nation with a bold promise: “We will solve crime by 2026, or at least reduce it to the point where people only get robbed on alternate days.”

When asked about his strategy, Guavajam unveiled his innovative “Operation Hide & Seek,” where officers will blend into the community by wearing civilian clothes and pretending not to be police officers, a tactic already common among those on lunch break.

“Criminals will never see us coming,” Guavajam said, “mainly because we’ll be in line for KFC with everyone else.”

The Commissioner also vowed to tackle the pressing issue of potholes, which he claims are “harbouring more suspects than the nation’s prisons.” He plans to deploy a special Pothole Task Force, equipped with shovels, cones, and a playlist of Machel Montano’s greatest hits to keep morale high.

In response to concerns over the recent uptick in crime, Guavajam assured citizens that “the police will work around the clock, except during cricket matches, Carnival, and when there’s heavy rain.”

As for the future, Guavajam remains optimistic. “With teamwork, determination, and the occasional bribe of corn soup, we can make Trinidad and Tobago safer for everyone—except maybe the goats. They’re on their own.”

At press time, the new Commissioner was reportedly drafting his first official memo: “Who moved my stapler?”